March 4th . . .
This morning I cried quite a few tears.
It took awhile for them to stop . . . but somehow I feel that God heard me. He knows and felt my anguish.
It all started at 5:00 this morning. I couldn't sleep. I got up to start my To Do list early! Yesterday I decided in honor of March 4th (and since David had to work making it easier to accomplish) I was going to tackle some of the major To Do items I had been postponing. One was to email all the Laurels and Mia Maids I could to ask for pictures for the CD I want to make of the last 2 years for all the girls. I wasn't prepared for all the memories to come flooding back. Oh, Bonna. I do miss her. I went to her Facebook page. Then I cried and cried. It wasn't just for her. It was for Joan Grover and Ruth Winward and Connie Keller and Marlyn Whiteley and so many others. It was for my Letha girls . . . that I really have no contact with other than a Hi in the halls.
And then my heart turned to my sweet son, Pat . . . the person I cry for the very most. I ache for him. He has carried so much for so long . . . There is no way to explain the depth of what he has had to carry. How has his heart handled it all? The things he's been through would make anyone weep and yet, he is not bitter. When I discovered that he was taught that he shouldn't cry - it just makes the tears flow even harder. I guess I am crying the tears he can't. I hope he knows that he is not alone anymore. He has us, his family to lean on - that it's okay to cry and feel the pain and the loss and the hurt and all that comes with it. He is so strong - the tears do not take away from that strength. He is like Captain Moroni or Teancum - He has an unconquerable spirit! He has offered his family the greatest gifts possible. I know they are aware of him and want him to find happiness. They are cheering him on. This is the war that he stayed to fight - that Satan couldn't have his family anymore. Because of him, they will have peace and the gospel in their lives. Because of him, they will have the opportunity to find forgiveness and to feel of the Savior's atonement, even his father. I know this with all my heart. My tears are gone now and I feel such a joy fill my heart.
My tears are not in vain. God saw them. He felt them. He is honoring my desire to go forth this day with strength and love so I can lift those hearts that need it the most.
I have made time for the important things. I've read my scriptures, I've prayed, I've exercised, I've spent time sharing my heart. Now it's time to call Pat - to spend some time with him. It is something his Mother wants . . . She doesn't want him to miss her too much. She wants him to live life to the fullest, knowing that she loves him and that she is near. This next week is the anniversary of his family's deaths!!!! The Savior made it possible that he will be with them all someday!
My heart is full!
Melissa again: I too find it truly amazing that Pat has been able to turn into the man that he has considering all of the difficulties in his life. It speaks to his incredible strength of character that he is motivated by love in all that he does instead of hate or cruelty when you consider the abuse he has endured. What incredible will power to keep all of the things inside that he has for so many years and not allow them to corrupt him or turn him ugly.
And even more so, what quiet strength he shows now as he tries to unlock those secrets and let all of the hard feelings from the past out so that he can move on. I truly married someone who will help me lift myself to a higher level and I know he is the better half of this pair, even though he tries to hide that from the world.
I truly beleve that he was spared because he was the only one who could break the chain of abuse. A lesser man would have repeated the things he was taught by hs father. A lesser man would have been too proud to allow the miracle of the Saviour's Atonement to work in his life because of pride. Because of Christ's sacrifice, I know that not just our sins can be forgiven but we can be succored in our pain, grief, and loneliness. The atonement makes it possible for us to heal the chains and cycles of abuse for ourseves and our ancestors. The gospel truly is the good news,
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